Who's Your Daddy?

Gold diggers, cougars, pool boys, and cradle robbers. Every age and every motive has a nickname and a namesake. Whichever end of the spectrum you fall under, it seems that at some point in everyone’s lives we search for someone out of our age range – whether you’re the gold digger in her 20’s wooing wrinklies in their 60’s, the cougar in her 50’s trying to entrap guys in their 30’s, the pool boy in his teens wishing he could motorboat the MILF, or the cradle robber in their 30’s who preys on preteens.

Where’s the fun in someone your own age? Sure there may be the commonalities…

People in your year at school: you see them in your classes; you see them at weekend parties; they’re your study buddy that you see every day in the library. Hooking up is convenient, you don’t have to worry if they’re secretly married or a murderer on the side, and usually their sexual stamina is on target with yours.

People parallel to you in your working life: they’re also pathetic part timers who are making minimum wage; or they too just entered the real working world and know the struggles of rejection, rejection, back to the bar. You have to actually try to hook up, but the advantage is that now you’ve got bar crawls and growing desperation on your side. Dates have to be cheaper with limited funds, but at least you can expect to be taken on a date. Lastly, being able to bitch about “the man” with your partner is so much more mature than complaining about cafeteria food.

However… just like the clingy girl who won’t get off your nuts, or the creepy guy in class you ALWAYS catch starring, commonalities get annoying.

We go for people out of our age range because it’s exciting, unexpected, and it’s always good to have at least one pleasure point guard with experience. It’s just plain lies and deceit when couples gush about how great it was to learn WITH each other what works in the bedroom. Sloppy experimentation should be left in the labs and “naughty school girl” isn’t just a fantasy; to capitalize on pleasure cues, one must teach while the other learns.

Whether it’s right or wrong to date over or under is up to you to decide. If a girl wants to give up chiseled abs and an easy boner for saggy skin and Viagra popping, it is her prerogative. If boys want to fuel the sexual peak of an older woman, remember the moral of “Do your ears hang low” and most importantly, don’t sow your seed with any moms in the PTA. It’s a fast-flooding network, and YOUR mother will.find.out.

Nads: New Awareness on Dome Skills

Nuts, balls, sac-o-fun, the boys, tinymantits, bag of tricks, the list could go on. The two things we need to know about balls are:

1) Boys SHAVE THEM

2) Girls DON’T FEAR THEM

It’s a man eat, girl suck world out there so boys if you expect your woman to not be rough in the muff then you better keep your down-unders groomed as well. I haven’t taken a recent poll on this so I don’t know the exact feel of the feminine vibe out there on whether or not everyone’s down to “play ball.”So in favor of doubting the domestic race lets touch on a few things.

I know neither the bat nor the balls are all too welcoming; from the veins to the growth to the elasto-bandibility… it’s all very eeeh. But get over it. Girls, just like our emotions, the ‘nads on a man aren’t given enough attention. Maybe the sooner you start playing a little hacky sack the sooner your man will feel inclined to tend to your abandoned emotions.

Imagine your guy’s tumblers like the NOS button on a car. I’m sure we’ve all felt this frustration a time or two. We’ll turn him on, gun his accelerator, and get him to peak performance… and then the engine blows and the race is lost. However, now that we know the pleasure principle, right as he’s at that breaking point punch (not literally, have a little consideration you sadist) that NOS button and you’ll send your guy right over the finish line and victory is yours.

VERY IMPORTANT:: Do not settle for a dirty playground. You wouldn’t eat your spaghetti if your meatballs were covered in hair so don’t settle for any less when devouring your man meat.

Guys, shave. Let your burr run rampant all over your chest, arms, face, and fanny (neither you nor your girlfriend should be hanging out in that back porch) for all I care (not really, in a perfect world the only hair on a man would be on his head but let’s tackle one problem at a time) but keep the hair out of your pants. Clean up, spritz some smell good, and make your humble abode as welcoming as possible. If you’re lucky maybe the testie twins will have some guests.

Gratitude v. Frattitude

When fratties turn into fathers, excuses turn into emotions, and playing with his PS2 turns into dealing with PMS, you know your boy has turned into a man. It’s not all about throwing away your raunchy jokes and “boy’s night out;” it’s about switching cognition from your penis to your brain.

For example:

Every guy wants to fool around. At 15, they’re longing for Jenna Jameson to jack them off, instead of her glossy centerfold, aided by their own right hand; at 25, they’re still trying to grab at your vagina through your jeans. To know whether or not you’re wasting your time with a toddler who has absolutely no tricks up his sleeve, look for these telltale signs:

If you’re cuddling with your guy, whether it be watching a movie in your bed, or watching the game on your couch, run a little experiment to see which head he’s using. While the movie is getting intense or the game is just getting good, initiate TSK (touching, stroking, kissing). Your guy will notice you’re beginning to stroke his face, kiss his neck, or touch his joystick; it’s what he does with this red flag that indicates his intuitive age.

A boy will sacrifice the greater good and settle for the cuddle compromise. He won’t get up from watching his game just to see if you’re really in the mood for something more. However, a man will take the initiative, with his wise years of experience and intuitive know-how, he’ll know the advantage of capitalizing on this opportunity. If you want something straight out of a storybook, he’ll scoop you up and whisk you away into the bedroom for a power hour of playtime. If you want reality, he’ll probably just get down to business when and where you both are.

The biggest difference between boys and men is their motivation. Boys are motivated by vagina and instant gratification, the thrill of the chase and the freedom of no responsibility. If your boy is watching a football game and you’re trying to fool around, your needs are put on the back burner while his football fetish remains top priority. Boys don’t understand the concept of brownie points. Men, on the other hand, are fueled by the capture of a goal, a love for women, and the rewards that come with responsibility. Men understand that women are needy and manipulative – they’ve seen the dark side and learned how to battle it. So, they see our sexual seduction during Monday Night Football for what it really is: a test. A test, if scored well on, that will reward them in more ways than one. Men do the work because they understand and appreciate the benefits of: GRATITUDE. Boys can be lazy, because they’re capitalizing on a phenomenon that exists in college, and that usually ends up rewarding them either way: FRATITUDE.

Don't Fake it Till You Make It

Fake it till you make it is a tag line we love to use in America. It's beneficial with networking, climbing the social ladder, and boosting your man's self esteem. You know what it's not beneficial for? Getting an orgasm. No matter how many times you run your hands through your mans hair hoping to arouse some sexual sensation, and no matter how many times you finally let out a moan in an attempt to throw in the towel, this.will.not.lead.you.to.an.orgasm. You're only hurting yourself by letting a guy rub you raw and acting like a pleasure bomb was just shoved up your vajayjay. Why lie?! Why allow yourself to be put through this torture night after night? If you're too lazy to teach your man, then toss your man, because his dysfunctional digits will only lead you to despair and doubt. Doubt on whether you'll ever get to climax without self-help or a pocket rocket. And who wants that?

Do NOT fake it!! If you're thinking about what outfit you'll wear tomorrow, or whether or not you turned off the hall light while he's pounding into you, RED FLAG. Instead of letting out a generic "Oh God. Oh yes." and hoping that'll suffice his ego, grab the reigns to that train wreck and lead it to pleasure town yourself! Whether you're having sex, finger fking, or he went for a dive down under, switch.it.up. You know what you like (and if you don't then quit trying to find euphoria from foreign fingers and get friendly with yourself) so take command! Flip him under you, guide his hand or hair in whatever way will make you say "oh GOD. oh YES." instead. If he's still not grasping the gspot then charts, graphs, and Late Night Sex Talk with Sue Johanson might be required.

The longer you let him refer to himself as Get Me Off Garret God of Sex when he can't even get you in the mood... the longer you let him swagger into the room and ask "Two? Three? How many times you wanna get off tonight baby?" when you can't even remember the last time he got you aroused... the more you will resent him and the more your pleasure pouch will resent you!! It's easy for guys to get theirs, some practically go in their shorts from a dry hump, so just because pleasing a female takes some time and effort don't give up on your man and start faking it.

How Far is Too Far?

TCU's Most Perfected Art Form : The Hook Up :: How Far is Too Far

The line is a dot to you. Sexual norms are a thing of the past and a disregard for caution has replaced the courtesy knock. Why not just join in?! The term "crossing the line" was once used to scold actions and enforce modesty. However, today that line has become something of hindsight, along with condoms and timid advances.

How far is too far? If you're asking that question you've gone too far. To not understand your own boundaries is to ensure a self fulfilling prophecy of cold sores and an itchy crotch. `

If I were to be diplomatic, I'd say it's all relative. But where's the fun in that?

For instance, Betty the Bicycle will spread her legs for Harrison's head nod, Bobby's boob grab, or Larry's lusty embrace. For Betty the concept of going "too far" is only a mirage, fabricated by parents and pastors to scare young girls away from experimentation.

On the other hand, Too Tight Tara flaunts her chastity ring proudly and slaps any boy who dares to think crude thoughts in her presence. Tara's concept of "too far" is also a mirage, blurred together with hand holding, boyfriends, and blind dates. Where one is blinded by overindulgence, the other is masked with innocence.

How did we develop this wide range of social norms? Was it our upbringing, our environment, or our genetic moral compass that has so many of us headed in different directions. It's hard to say who's trekking the right path. Betty could get knocked up, realize her worth as a woman and be changed for the better. Tara could become asexual and hate men for the rest of her life. There's no "right" set of guidelines to follow in regards to how you should deviate your sexual experiences. All you can follow is your gut feeling. Side note : when extremely wasted, that's not your gut urging you to go further, it's your sexual frustration lashing out.

So, how far is too far? To each their own, whether that be a peck or a moan. Just remember no glove no love, no means no, and wonder is mystery but regret is forever.

Hall of Fame

To call myself an escape artist of dating would be giving me personally too much credit. I would never be able to dip out of a dastardly date without the help of friends, phones, and phony excuses. To bail on a date is said to be one of the most unforgivable foes a girl can commit. Sizing up the situation, the male picked you up, paid for your evening, and most importantly roused up the gusto to even ask you out-- so in theory you should at least give him the decency to attend the entire evening. However, if said male met you there, denied payment, or even an offer to fulfill patriarchal duties, and asked you to this date via text message, your feminine obligation has been rebuked.

Background information: blind date scenario prefaced with lots of flirtatious texting. (Side note: never get over zealous with texting a guy you have yet to meet in person, this only over exaggerates the initial meeting, and sets up expectations that shouldn't naturally have been there to begin with.)

Set the scene: Front of the movie theatre... I'm overdressed, too much make-up, and have the anxiety of a mail-ordered bride waiting to see her potential life partner. I'm waiting there, alone, because my texting teddy bear has chosen to meet me at the theatre... for a more dramatic eye-locking-love moment, or to secure his own escape route if necessary? I'll never know.

We find each other, I run into his arms, we embrace, we kiss, we fall in love. Oh, sorry my hopes and dreams took over the keyboard. Realistically, we find each other, we shuffle back and forth in an overly awkward "do we hug?" dance. We don't hug. We get in line for tickets, my white knight lags behind in line. Maybe he's shy? We arrive at the ticket line, my hunny is still hanging back. Maybe he's cheap. I pay for my own ticket without so much as an offer from Mr. Potential. We get our seats, and stare at the screen. Maybe there's so much sexual tension between us neither of us can even think of anything to say without bursting! He turns to me and insults my shirt. Maybe he's a prick. Midway through the movie I can't take this anymore. I SOS my friend to call for an "emergency." When she calls I answer, frantically, and jet out of the theatre. On my way to the parking lot I shoot him a consolation text of my sincerest apologies, quickly before deleting his number. Maybe I'll stick to finding my own conquests.

The Rebound

The rebound; the bounce back; the pick me up. All of the things we never personally want to be to the opposite sex. However, when we ourselves need them, the other person's feelings might as well be the backboard for our layup into a validation swish. First lets define what a "rebound" is. A rebound is a conquest, pertaining to physical or mental needs, required immediately after a ego crushing break up. The girl who flattened your man pride, or the guy who cheated on you with your best friend left a large crater where your self-esteem should be. Some choose to fill this hole with alcohol, chocolate, or books they find in the relationship self-help section of Barnes and Noble. However, for some of us, that hole was so detrimental that we can piece ourselves together with nothing less but the fulfillment of a successful conquest. Ergo, the rebound. If the act of rebounding is executed correctly, it can surpass the social faux pas it really is and be nothing but a stepping stone for one and a good time for the other.

RIGHT: Being up front with the person you're using as a rebound. Note in the previous sentence I said "use." This person needs to be aware of their disposability in your journey to self actualization.

WRONG: To let this person believe they are your diamond in the rough. If this person believes that you have fallen in love with them instead of their infatuation with your current shambled self-perception, you're leading them on.

RIGHT: Once the swagger is back in your step, you need to cut off ties with your rebound. You may have used them to regain stability, but any further usage after that is taking advantage of their personal worth. Don't be selfish, or that pathetic.

WRONG: Continuing to use this person to feed your ego means that this relationship has turned from a rebound into a pathetic partnership. You're pathetic for needing this crutch and they're pathetic for propping your poor presence.

Bottom line. When rebounding, be quick, courteous, and grateful. And remember to return the favor. Next time you're drafted into the battlefield of unreturned lust, remember when you were a wounded solider and the nurse that tended to you. Without the help of others we'd all be casualties of the love of war.

Blue Balls

"I think I can I think I can." For most of us, this mantra reminds of our childhood hero The Little Engine That Could. The little blue (ironic) train that kept chugging away, trying to make it up that hill. However, I guess some boys never lost that train determination, even into their early twenties. As a female, I may not understand how an aggressive kissing session leads to a heightened promise of "more" to a hopeful young male. However, I do know if you can't handle yourself through a heated make out marathon, save yourself the embarrassment and handle yourself at home. The topic this week, blue balls, is a touch and go subject (no pun intended). It's debatable because guys can prevent it from happening to them. If any guys are still reading this article, I'll explain how.

DON'T TAKE AGGRESSION AS FOREPLAY!! Boys, we know you all want each wink, kiss, and touch to turn into a dirty sex scene, but hey that's why we dedicate seven hours to sleeping, dream big. However, in reality not every girl is ready to pounce at the drop of a nudge, poke, or pucker.

If you don't assume that fooling around will lead to sex then maybe your balls wont blue.

Secondly, KNOW THE GIRL! One night stands... well that speaks for itself. But if you meet a girl at a party and yall hit it off, hit the bed, and youre hoping to hit a home run... remember nothings guaranteed. The best fight against blue balls is knowing your boundaries with the girl your hooking up with. If you know she's not going to take you on that victory lap, instead prepare yourself for a rowdy rendezvous and enjoy the attention you ARE receiving.

If you choose to ignore these warning signs and hope the best, the worse will happen. Don't be that guy who finishes in his pants. You're not in 6th grade anymore, and can't use wet dreams or lack of experience as an excuse. The Little Engine may be proud of you for making it over the blue balls hill, but the girl you just jump started with will only laugh in your face.

Hometown Hunnies

Family, friends, food, and fucking... the four f's of holiday homecoming. IM KIDDING!! But really, hometown hunnies are definitely something to look forward to, especially for those freshman who will be experiencing their first post hiatus hook up.

There's a range of options when dealing with the "home again, bone again" mind set. (purely for the sake of rhyming here people don't get flustered)

There's the hometown boyfriend who doesn't know about his counterpart, the college boyfriend. This is a tricky one. It's the best option because you know he'll be waiting for you, but the worst option morally speaking. I'll leave discretion up to the double dipper.

There's the ex boyfriend that you cut ties with once college started. Coming home to this gem would look similar to the hometown boyfriend situation but with more arguing.

There's the chronic booty call you had in high school. You consider this option, knowingly or subconsciously, because we all need that "in case of emergency."

Then there's my favorite category. For those kids who didn't really "do" high school... you had two part time jobs, you were still working through your awkward phase, you thought you were better than everyone... going home is given a different perspective.

You get to hook up with the football captain you always thought was cute in high school, but never pursued because ...who wants to be that cliche?

Or maybe you were that awkward gangly guy in high school. However in college you found beer, the gym, and easy freshman girls to sky rocket your confidence. You come home and run into the "Stacy." This is the girl you spent freshman, sophomore, junior AND senior year lusting after. The same girl who never took the time to realize your name was Justin, not Jerry, and you never had the balls to correct her. However, college Justin is built, confident, and has a swagger only a college freshman could swing. The holidays are a time for the Justin's across the US to shine, and regain the respect they lost in high school. They hook up with the Stacy's and don't call them afterward.

Partially joking, unless the "Stacy" ridiculed you in high school and ultimate revenge is deserved, you should give her a jingle the next day.

The Friend Zone

The friend zone: a dark dreadful place, or the holy land used by females everywhere to place boys that can’t take a hint. For arguments sake I’ll have to advocate for the latter. I understand that, as a girl, I’m privileged enough to dictate who enters and exits the friend zone. Because, lets be honest, guys love having girls as friends, but if the girls willing, the guys game. I do feel bad for the guys who are either oblivious to their placement in the zone, or who are determined to “be the exception.” For that reason I’ve devised red flag warning signs that you boys should be on the look out for, and ways to turn your pathetic plight into a salvageable salvation.

Lets start with the obvious signs:

1. If you’re confused because this girl talks to you on facebook chat but doesn’t answer your calls, texts, or even seem interested in being in your presence… you’re in the friend zone
2. If you learn in to kiss this girl and she turns her cheek, you’re in the friend zone. (If she screams then you’re actually in the creeper zone and should feel ashamed.)
3. If this girl talks about liking and/or hooking up with other boys in front of you… you’re either in the friend zone or this girl is a open to multiple hook ups and the friend zone might also be known as friends with benefits.

The decline:

The decline is a warning zone all boys should be on the look out for. If you catch yourself in the decline soon enough you might be able to save your situation. Boys, the decline commences when the girl starts to distance herself from you. It’s called the decline because her interest in you is declining. Many things could factor into the decline. It could be another boy, the way you kiss, or a family problem that has nothing to do with you. This is why you have a few golden days to USE THIS TIME TO YOUR ADVANTAGE! Read closely.

Do. Not. Panic. :: If the girl is pulling away from you do not go into panic mode and freak out, this will only further your decline and possibly sent you into creeper zone.

Do. Not. Pester. :: If she’s not answering your texts or calls, receiving an abundance of messages will not persuade her to answer. This will only agitate her and make it obvious that you are the only one making an effort for contact (aka looking desperate for attention.)

Do. Not. Perform. :: Do not go out of your way to “appear awesome” to this girl. If you’re on the decline don’t think that you’ll be able to fix the situation by giving 110% to promoting yourself and your stellar qualities. If you’re on the decline this will only appear forced and make you look like a douche.

Recovery:

To save the developing relationship, and your dignity, give the girl some space. If she’s distancing herself from you that means she is being overwhelmed by your presence. So going after her more aggressively will not fix this. Let her come to you. Girls in this day and age go after what they want, if she wants you she will come around. BUT! You have to let her realize that she misses you. If you’re always around then she can’t realize what she has to loose. Once she starts pulling away, let her drift. You might have messed up enough to make her go astray, but if you’re a gem then you’ve left her with a adequate set of good times; enough to make her realize her mistake and come back for more.

Double Dipping

Imagine this. Your best girlfriend just licked all over a lollipop then hands it to you to finish off. Do you take it? Probably not. Now imagine that lollipop is a big 6 foot boy with great jaw structure. Is the offer a little harder to pass up? Maybe, but the rule still stands. Double dipping is outlawed whether you’re thinking about sharing your Halloween candy or your arm candy. The male moral compass is permanently pointing south on this issue, so I’m solely speaking to you ladies out there. I know it’s fun to talk to you girlfriends about things you have in common, but when the discussion changes from let me borrow your lipstick to let me borrow your beau, we have a problem.

Reasons for double dipping:

!. We’re young and impatient; we hear about a guaranteed good thing and we’re sold.

2. Our generation is obsessed with networking. Instead of braving the unknown, we’d rather be hooked up with someone because so and so knows them and “I’ll put in a good word, don’t even worry about it.”

3. Maybe you’re part of a weird group thing…?

Obviously none of these are acceptable. To bring the message home to those of you who aren’t sold, lets look at other fun phases associated with double dipping: sloppy seconds, left overs, used goods, rode hard and put out wet yet out for another ride (thanks Mom for that one). Don’t be lazy! If your friend got the hot guy or girl at the party then you congratulate them and move on to find your own conquest, don’t settle for the second round tag team.

Monogamy ?

The temperatures dropping, fall’s approaching, and people are pairing off. It’s something about the holidays and cold weather that cause hormones to spike and co-dependence to kick into high gear. Everyone wants a cutie to cuddle by, a special someone to shack with, or a hunny to hug. If you’re on the verge of throwing up then you share my sentiments. I’m sorry but monogamy is overrated. Before you get riled up, I didn’t come from a cult of baby popping polygamist, or from a brothel. I did, however, come from a family that taught me never to seek validation from a counter part. The principle of monogamy, sticking with one person, isn’t what I disagree with. It’s the reasons people, male or female, choose to engage in meaningless relationships. If I had a quarter for every time I’ve heard a girl say, “But I’m PRETTY! I’m SUPPOSED to have a boyfriend.” I could buy enough blowup Ken dolls to shut these shallow girls up. The act of casual dating has been replaced with hooking up at a party, and high standards have been diluted to “you’ll do.” I don’t know whether to give the blame to the boys who have lost the ability to strike up a conversation without having a drink in their hand, or the girls who accept “You look like a hot lay,” as cause to swoon. As I fight for the single side of the spectrum, I’ve also got to play the devils advocate. Having a steady boyfriend would be nice, but before I agree to wear Billy’s class ring and run to change my facebook status, lets break down the request: steady boyfriend. Steady implies that you’re both involved in a stable relationship. For example, Monday through Friday your boobear is MIA, but come the weekend and it’s like you suddenly became part of the radar again, that’s not a relationship it’s a chronic bootycall. If you’re choosing to be this guy’s girlfriend so you can get invited to his spring formal and float the river, that’s not a boyfriend, it’s an asset. My point is hold out for the real thing people. Hold your single head high and date around until you find someone who satisfies your high expectations. Moral of the story is you can date a jackass and laugh about it after the dates over, it’s harder to laugh when you’ve got his arm around you, at his party, holding his drink, because he’s your boyfriend.

Bad Kisser

Did Cinderella ever have to crawl away from Prince Charming? Did Snow White ever forfeit her right to awaken because PC was a sloppy kisser? No! Fairy tales gave each little girl these false allusions that each precious kiss shared with her man would lead to happily ever after. They never warned us it’s almost certain we’ll encounter one, if not many, life scarring scores with the guy we thought would be our Prince Charming.

Guys, to get the girl, you’ve got to master the ability to kiss. It’s the fuel to the hook up fire. If you’re hoping to advance anywhere with women, learn the art of making out. If you don’t, you’ll end up in this situation….

Its four a.m. I’m in someone else’s bathroom, shaking off the feelings of violation and disgust. I’m still fully clothed and thankfully just embarked on my conquest that was waiting outside the bathroom door. How did I get myself into this predicament? By trusting my gut feeling, that’s how! Side note ladies always look for tell-tell signs of a good kisser. We’re talking big lips, knows how and when to touch you, and isn’t an eager beaver. I, however, made a rookie mistake and went in for the kill without fully evaluating the situation.

He was a master of laying groundwork: great personality, made me feel comfortable in his apartment, didn’t allude to the big pink hook up elephant looming in the corner, and played the nice guy card for a respectable amount of time. Alas, despite his best efforts, when purse came to pucker…epic fail. It was one of those awkward initial starts with a peck, peck, tongue lash, peck, peck. Oh god, the memory. Find your rhythm and stick to it!!! Every girl knows the “pull away” trick, used just for kicks and to see the guy yearn for more. However, this pull away was in desperation and used as an escape tactic. Worst decision ever. While pulling away I opened my eyes to witness his face coming at me. Eyes closed, lips puckered, we’re talking full on fish face making a bead line for mine. LAST STRAW! Abort, abort, abort. When I attempted to wiggle out of his grasp, he assumed we were playing “wrestle fight.” I had to resort to crawling, desperate times ladies, desperate times. Finally escaping to the bathroom, where my story began.