Who's Your Daddy?

Gold diggers, cougars, pool boys, and cradle robbers. Every age and every motive has a nickname and a namesake. Whichever end of the spectrum you fall under, it seems that at some point in everyone’s lives we search for someone out of our age range – whether you’re the gold digger in her 20’s wooing wrinklies in their 60’s, the cougar in her 50’s trying to entrap guys in their 30’s, the pool boy in his teens wishing he could motorboat the MILF, or the cradle robber in their 30’s who preys on preteens.

Where’s the fun in someone your own age? Sure there may be the commonalities…

People in your year at school: you see them in your classes; you see them at weekend parties; they’re your study buddy that you see every day in the library. Hooking up is convenient, you don’t have to worry if they’re secretly married or a murderer on the side, and usually their sexual stamina is on target with yours.

People parallel to you in your working life: they’re also pathetic part timers who are making minimum wage; or they too just entered the real working world and know the struggles of rejection, rejection, back to the bar. You have to actually try to hook up, but the advantage is that now you’ve got bar crawls and growing desperation on your side. Dates have to be cheaper with limited funds, but at least you can expect to be taken on a date. Lastly, being able to bitch about “the man” with your partner is so much more mature than complaining about cafeteria food.

However… just like the clingy girl who won’t get off your nuts, or the creepy guy in class you ALWAYS catch starring, commonalities get annoying.

We go for people out of our age range because it’s exciting, unexpected, and it’s always good to have at least one pleasure point guard with experience. It’s just plain lies and deceit when couples gush about how great it was to learn WITH each other what works in the bedroom. Sloppy experimentation should be left in the labs and “naughty school girl” isn’t just a fantasy; to capitalize on pleasure cues, one must teach while the other learns.

Whether it’s right or wrong to date over or under is up to you to decide. If a girl wants to give up chiseled abs and an easy boner for saggy skin and Viagra popping, it is her prerogative. If boys want to fuel the sexual peak of an older woman, remember the moral of “Do your ears hang low” and most importantly, don’t sow your seed with any moms in the PTA. It’s a fast-flooding network, and YOUR mother will.find.out.

Nads: New Awareness on Dome Skills

Nuts, balls, sac-o-fun, the boys, tinymantits, bag of tricks, the list could go on. The two things we need to know about balls are:

1) Boys SHAVE THEM

2) Girls DON’T FEAR THEM

It’s a man eat, girl suck world out there so boys if you expect your woman to not be rough in the muff then you better keep your down-unders groomed as well. I haven’t taken a recent poll on this so I don’t know the exact feel of the feminine vibe out there on whether or not everyone’s down to “play ball.”So in favor of doubting the domestic race lets touch on a few things.

I know neither the bat nor the balls are all too welcoming; from the veins to the growth to the elasto-bandibility… it’s all very eeeh. But get over it. Girls, just like our emotions, the ‘nads on a man aren’t given enough attention. Maybe the sooner you start playing a little hacky sack the sooner your man will feel inclined to tend to your abandoned emotions.

Imagine your guy’s tumblers like the NOS button on a car. I’m sure we’ve all felt this frustration a time or two. We’ll turn him on, gun his accelerator, and get him to peak performance… and then the engine blows and the race is lost. However, now that we know the pleasure principle, right as he’s at that breaking point punch (not literally, have a little consideration you sadist) that NOS button and you’ll send your guy right over the finish line and victory is yours.

VERY IMPORTANT:: Do not settle for a dirty playground. You wouldn’t eat your spaghetti if your meatballs were covered in hair so don’t settle for any less when devouring your man meat.

Guys, shave. Let your burr run rampant all over your chest, arms, face, and fanny (neither you nor your girlfriend should be hanging out in that back porch) for all I care (not really, in a perfect world the only hair on a man would be on his head but let’s tackle one problem at a time) but keep the hair out of your pants. Clean up, spritz some smell good, and make your humble abode as welcoming as possible. If you’re lucky maybe the testie twins will have some guests.